There are lots of differing opinions of what the definition of “family” is these days and even more on how a family should function. There is also major stress on today’s family, too. We hear about these definitions and stresses in the news every day.
But the family is not something that is defined by man. The institution of the family was established and ordained by our Creator, therefore He is the one who must define it, and not ourselves. Fortunately, He has clearly defined it for us.
In our Part 1 study of the family, we will focus on Ephesians 5 and 6 as our main text today, but also look elsewhere in the scriptures for additional clarification.
We will examine what God has said to each member of the family: the roles, the responsibilities, the attitudes, the admonishments, and the expectations.
As we study these passages today, my prayer is that you will see “what God hath said” to you and not focus on what YOU THINK “God hath said” to other members of your household. For you are not the instrument of change for your brother, sister, mother, father, husband, or wife, but rather His Word and His Spirit are the ONLY instruments to be used to illicit positive change.
Please take this as a time of self examination and not as a criticism of others. Today, I will ask a series of questions to guide your self reflection.
As a father and husband, I will be the first to admit my many deficiencies in following the principles of these passages. I teach as one who has not mastered this subject matter, but, as a teacher, is required to proclaim the Word of God despite my many sins.
So let’s get started beginning in verse 15 of Ephesians chapter 5.
Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, 16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil. 17 So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; 20 always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; 21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
Here, Paul says we are to walk as wise men, not as unwise men. What did Solomon ask for when he became king of Israel? Wisdom. God told him that it was good to ask for wisdom, and because he asked for wisdom instead of worldly riches, He would bless him with these other worldly things, as well.
Obtaining wisdom and walking in wisdom is extremely important.
Proverbs 1:7 proclaims: The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Wisdom comes from the LORD. Instruction in knowledge comes from His Word. Not heeding His Word is foolish: it is unwise.
Proverbs 2:2 says that in order to receive wisdom, you must first be willing to listen and learn:
Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding.
So your heart must first and foremost be inclined to wisdom and understanding. The first thing we have to determine in our self examination today is: Is my heart attentive to wisdom? Is my heart seeking God’s perfect guidance?
The opposite of being wise is being a fool. Proverbs 12:15 and 18:2 say:
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.
A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.
Are you wise or are you a fool? Will you listen to counsel or will you seek you own way?
Our passage then goes into our actions, speech, and attitudes.
The phrase “do not be drunk with wine” is here for no other purpose than to admonish us to act with wisdom. How many drunks do you acting wise? In fact, when you read about some of the dumbest things people do, it is generally followed by these words: “alcohol was involved”.
I have seen many drunks in my day, and I don’t recall them ever doing anything I would consider to be brilliant. Paul here is contrasting being drunk, with being filled with the Spirit.
In other words, if you walk in the wisdom of your own flesh, you are actually like a foolish drunk. Why? Because you will be “right in your own eyes.” He says “but be filled with the Spirit.” Walk according to the counsel of His Word and the Holy Spirit, which indwells you. This is polar opposite to living in the flesh.
We can’t do this in our own strength. Every day we must die to ourselves so that He may live through us. We must kill our desires. We must destroy our agendas. We must put away those things that will veer us off the path that God has designed for us.
What are those things in our lives that take us off God’s path? It will be different for each of us, but the result will be the same — no peace. It is only on God’s path that we find peace. We may not always be perfectly content and without anxiety, but when we are in God’s will there will be peace of mind.
Living in the Spirit not only affects our decision making, but also our speech. Look at how we are to speak to one another — “with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs”.
Is that how it sounds at your house? Our house is more like a rock concert — the psalms are few and far between.
When our voices are loud and angry and frustrated and irritable, our hearts are not right. We are living in the flesh, not the Spirit. Check who you are following when you hear a rock concert in your homes.
Hebrews says we are to, “consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds…” Heb. 10:24
Do you stimulate one another in this way? Or, instead of love and good deeds, do you stimulate each other to hatred and evil?
Remember, “the gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1
Our attitudes are also different when we are living in the Spirit. The text says we are “always giving thanks” when we are in the Spirit. Are our hearts thankful? Are our words words like “I want”, “I never”, or “that’s not fair”? If so, we are not thankful. We are saying that we aren’t receiving enough or the right things. You may be complaining to your mom or dad or your kids, but in reality you are saying “IT IS GOD’S FAULT”.
You are saying that God is not supplying everything you need. But scripture says this:
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. – Phil. 4:19
His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness… – 2 Peter 1:3
Our hearts will be thankful if our attitude is right. Is your attitude right? You have to ask yourself this question several times a day.
And then he wraps it all up with this one short phrase:
“and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ…”
We need to put the needs of others ahead of our own. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.”
When we do, we are acting unselfishly. Paul says that love does “not seek its own”.
We are to do all this in the fear of Christ. The Greek word for “fear” is “phobos”, which means “that which strikes terror” or “reverence as to one’s husband”.
Christ is our husband. He is the one we are all subject to — which leads us to…
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Why does this passage start with the wives? Isn’t the husband supposed to be the Spiritual leader in the home? Why doesn’t it start with him? You can tell a man wrote this…
Actually the reason Paul starts with wives is to paint a much larger and more important picture for us. The picture we must keep in mind throughout all of this is that Christ is the ultimate husband, and we — His church — are his bride. So in essence, each of us must follow the duties of the wife on the larger scale. We (the Church) must be subject to our husband, Jesus Christ.
On the practical application, wives are to be submissive to their husbands — “in the Lord”.
Notice MEN, that this part of this passage is NOT addressed to you. YOU are NOT the agent of her submission. You are not to lord it over her. You are not to force her into submission. She must come to this conclusion on her own, with the prompting of the Holy Spirit. YOU ARE NOT the Holy Spirit!
The wife should submit to the husband’s authority just as we all are to submit to the authority of Christ. Wives must do this in compliance with God’s authority, who has commanded it “as to the Lord”.
This part, “as to the Lord”, gives us a better picture. Is it always easy to submit to the Lord? No, it’s not. Even though Christ is the perfect husband — loving, kind, forgiving, merciful, and perfect — it is somehow still hard for us to submit to the Lord. Why is this?
Because we are sinful people! Our inability to submit to the Lord is simply because of our sin. We are proud. We “know what we are doing”. We want to do it our way. We don’t want to submit to anyone.
Ladies, in light of this passage, are you living in sin? Are you not submitting to your husbands because you want to do it your way? Or do you simply not trust your husband? This may be the bigger issue. Maybe you had a poor example growing up. Your mother “wore the pants” in your home, so she set an example of disobedience to you. Or maybe, your father did not live a godly life and could not be trusted, so you are having a hard time trusting your husband.
Let me say this ladies: I know each man in this room pretty well. They all have their faults. They all have their issues. But let me tell you, that each man in here WANTS to be the man of God that he is called to be. And YOU can’t make him that; only God can make him into it! He is not fit for it, but God is making him fit for it.
Do you also know, that if you don’t submit to your husband’s God-given authority that you are painting a picture that it is okay for your children not to submit to your husband’s authority and ultimately, God’s authority?
Ladies, are you submitting to your husbands? Or is there a power struggle? Do you submit “in everything”? Or do you keep a pair of pants handy for just the right time? The last part says to submit “in everything”.
So if your husband is asking you to do something illegal or sinful, should you do it? No. But this authority does extend to everything which is consistent with God’s law.
After Adam and Eve sinned in Genesis 3, God says to Eve, “your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” This is God’s plan in a sinful world. He is establishing order here. The sinfulness that overtook Adam and Eve sent shockwaves throughout the created order. Order had to be restored. This is God’s plan for order.
This biblical order actually puts more of a burden on the husband. He’s the one who has to live up to the expectations that Jesus Christ set. Let’s take a look.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
This passage is really simple. Are you acting out of love for your wife? I’m not talking about some romantic thing or some feelings you get when you are with her. Or “I have fun when we are together.”
This passage is talking about REAL LOVE. The kind of love that is sacrificial. The kind of love that lays down what it wants for the good of the bride.
Did Christ want to be crucified? No. He said, “let this cup pass from me”. But He also said, “not My will but Thine be done”. He submitted to His Father and laid down His life for His bride out of love for her.
Guys, would you die for her?
Guys, do you die for her? I’m not talking about a physical death, but rather a death to self. Do you put her wants and needs ahead of your own? Or is she just sharing in the life that you want for yourself?
But she is not acting right! She’s not submissive! She won’t follow! She won’t do what she’s supposed to do!
Let me ask you this: Did Christ die for a bride who was perfect? No. She is flawed. He overlooks her faults. She doesn’t act right or do what she’s supposed to. She’s not always obedient — but He died for her anyway!
Your love for her is not to be dependent on her — it’s dependent on you. Are you committed to that kind of love? A sacrificial love. A supernatural love. For to die for anyone requires the supernatural. By nature we are children of wrath, not love. We want what we want.
We don’t want to go to the ballet. We don’t want “flowerdy” curtains. We don’t want to miss the ball game. We don’t want to spend money on another new pair of shoes for you. I mean, how many pairs of shoes does one person really need?
But, if I read this correctly, if we love her this way we will sanctify her.
Do you love her? Do you love her to death? How do you show her that love?
Do you wash her with the Word? Do you share scripture with her? Do you lead her to righteousness? Do you provide an example of patience and virtue?
The text leads us to conclude that if we lead her, she will become “glorious”. She will have no “spot or wrinkle”, but rather “holy and blameless”.
Is this the woman you want guys — holy and blameless? Then you have some work to do, because the burden is on you. We can’t fall down on our jobs and then blame Eve! God didn’t buy it. He knew it was our fault. We must care for her. We must love her just as we do our own bodies.
Maybe that’s my problem. Look at my body — it’s a disaster!
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
First off guys, have you left your father and mother? I know some men who may have physically left their parents, but emotionally they are still there. Ladies too. When we leave, we must become one flesh.
Just as Eve was fashioned from the rib of Adam. When he first lays eyes on her he recites poetry. Poetry! He said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man”
God has made you a single unit. Do you operate as a single unit, or are you simply two trains that pass in the night? You must spend significant amounts and quality of time together to achieve this and sustain this. We can’t live a life of “tag you’re it”. We must work together, slow down if we need to do this. Ask yourself, is what I am spending my time on so vitally important? Or is it just important to me? We may have to give up some things we love to achieve and sustain this unity, this bond of being one flesh.
It’s a mystery according to our text. But which is a greater mystery, seeing a successful marriage that just happens or a successful marriage that is worked on? I’ll put my money on the one that requires a little maintenance.
Guys, ask yourself this question: If I did my job like I did my marriage, would I get a promotion, or would I get fired?
Lastly, Paul says, he should love his wife as he does himself. This is our duty guys, not a suggestion.
Ladies, he also says, “see to it that she respects her husband”. Notice he doesn’t say love, but rather respect. Matthew Henry has this to say about reverence and respect:
Reverence consists of love and esteem, which produce a care to please, and of fear, which awakens a caution lest just offense be given. That the wife thus reverence her husband is the will of God and the law of the relation.
Now that we have the hard part over with, here comes the fun part…
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.
Kids, is there any part of this you don’t understand? Isn’t this pretty simple?
So why don’t you do it? Because you are little sinners.
Obey your parents. What does this mean? Does it mean, finish doing what you are doing first, then obey them when you get around to it? No.
Does it mean, only obey them if they ask nicely? No. In fact if they don’t ask nicely, you should probably jump right on it.
Does it mean, obey them, but show them your displeasure with what they have asked you to do by grumbling about it and then doing a poor job? No.
So what does it mean? It means, doing what you have been asked to do, right when you are asked to do it, with a good attitude.
“But I was painting a masterpiece! I was finishing the 10,000th level of angry birds! I did this last time, it’s my sister’s turn this time! It isn’f fair! But why?”
Nope, that doesn’t cut it.
The first part of this says obey and it says why — for this is right. It is right, therefore it is expected. If you do not obey you are sinning against your parents. Not only that, you are sinning against God. Not only that, you are sinning against yourself. That’s right, you are sinning against yourself.
There’s a promise — “so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth”. Do you not want it to be well with you? Do you not want to live long on the earth? Of course you do. But it says right here, black and white, that failure to obey and be respectful will be a detriment to your self. Do you believe God’s Word?
Obedience is one way we can honor our parents. Honor is a strong word. You can honor someone by submitting yourself to them. In other words, you honor someone when you do something nice for them. You honor them when you speak kindly to them. You honor them when you treat them as you want to be treated.
Kids, do you show honor to your parents? There’s a much bigger issue here.
Do you know that if you fail to learn how to obey and honor your parents, that when you are older, you will be unable to obey and honor God? That’s right. God’s purpose for teaching you to obey and honor your parents is merely preparation for you to learn how to obey and honor God when you are an adult.
You MUST learn this. You MUST submit to your parent’s authority. Did you know that God has put your parents in your life to be your authority?
Genesis 18:19 says, “I have chosen Abraham, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just…”
In Proverbs 6, we see that “reproofs and instruction are the way of life.”
Your parents are God-given instruments who are to be honored and obeyed, and who will both lead you towards Him and correct you when you go astray. TO NOT HONOR THEM IS TO REJECT GOD.
But kids, your parents also have some guidelines in doing this.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
We will be looking at some of the things that drive our children crazy next week. But this week we need to focus on an issue that parents have that can actually cause our kids to sin and disobey.
As parents, we need to know what provokes our children. This is a challenge. For each of our kids, it can be something different and it can change over time.
In Tedd Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, he mentions that, as our child’s God-given authority, we must not display arrogance and anger when dealing with our kids.
After all, we are merely God’s representatives, NOT God Himself. We need to understand that when our children sin, it is NOT an offense primarily against us, but it is rather an offense against God.
So when your son talks back, it may infuriate you, but, as parents, we must understand that lack of respect and honor is actually a sin against God, not you. Your job is not to demand respect and honor, but point the child to the offense and get to the heart of the behavior. It may even be that you have caused the dishonoring behavior in that child by not recognizing him as a brother in Christ, but rather looking at him as your subject.
Which brings us to this next section about slaves and masters. I will read this and then ask a question.
5 Slaves, be obedient to those who are you masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; 6 not by way of eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. 7 With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8 knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free.
9 And masters, do the same things to them, and give up threatening, knowing that both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him.
Who are we to please? We are to be God-pleasers, not men-pleasers. This section is thrown in on the heels of provoking our children to wrath.
Why is that? We are all slaves to Christ. Dad, you are a slave to Christ. Mom, your are a slave to Christ. Kids, you are slaves to Christ. The only difference for the kids is they have middle-men — their parents.
Notice parents in verse nine it says “give up threatening”. Do you threaten your kids with punishments, restrictions, or bodily harm? Are you acting out of obedience to Christ, or out of hurt pride and anger? Ouch!
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.
We started our study with a discussion of wisdom. We discussed the family and now we end this section with Spiritual warfare. How are these things related?
Our struggle is not against flesh and blood. Our struggles are Spiritual struggles. We turn them into physical struggles because we do not understand the battle. Our hope is not in the physical but the Spiritual. The physical is just the outward manifestation of the Spiritual.
We are to “stand firm”, not in our strength, but in the strength of HIS might. I think most of our struggles at home are with a misunderstanding of the battle. We must emphasize our Spiritual health, receive Spiritual instruction, and provide Spiritual nourishment. This will then have the desired physical effects: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.
Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruits…”
What are your fruits?
Marc Faulkenberry, May 6, 2012
Households of Faith 